Writing in the Dark

and the words appear right on cue…

Conflicting Emotions

I love you. I miss you. your summer is going great and I am happy for that, I really am. but I am scared; it seems you might not need me now that things are good. maybe I am over reacting, it has been a couple days since you sent me a message and about a week since we had proper conversation. I hate feeling petty, I believe you love me, I am certain you did the last day I saw you. it has only been 2 weeks since then, where has all my confidence gone? 

you went out with what I guess were work friends to have a drink, and I feel jealous. not so much because I think you might be interested in someone else but because it looks as though it was effortless- which I have no idea if it is true of not. I wish it was that way with us  as well. I am more than willing to travel to you, but things get in the way. work schedule, parents, your desire to branch out. you never hid your desire to experience new things after we had run our course. I appreciate the honesty but it is becoming increasingly hard to shoulder. Despite my objections my heart just keeps falling for you deeper, I don’t want to dive in because I am scared you might  be a shallow river I know your love is deep as an ocean but what if I am not if the right spot, maybe it if further ahead in a place I can’t reach. 

I am scared, you being happy is my biggest priority, I really want the job, but am I qualified for it?

 

pen and paper from now on

as this site has lost one of my posts 😦

Cinco

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Today I want to tell you about my day.

I have been hanging out with peter often.  Like I told you, it is not going all that well with me and the other RA’s. Today we worked out a little. It is a great way to tune out. I also talked to jai about our business partnership, I have never really been my own boss before, it is an exciting but scary feeling. Yesterday I ran, it was peaceful especially because I went after going swimming.  The nice thing about running outside is getting to look at the sky. The clouds passing by, the light passing through them, all of the different values density creates.

Forgive me for posing as one of your own; it is a bit more fun trying to write in “mysterious and cryptic” ways.

The last couple days waking up has been a difficult; waking up means everything starts again: the itches and aches, the muscles stretch, the brain starts to rev. the electric impulses race to the cavity in my chest. Something I experienced firsthand the first day of winter, is something I have read about before, apparently one of the biggest problems for amputees is having the brain get used to the limb not being there. When the gray king issues an order but its servant is not there, the gray king throws a tantrum of thunderous pain. There I was sitting in the snow waiting to get back home, thinking, removing melted snowflakes off my face. With the chariot soon to come, I get up and maybe it was cold, or the lack of circulation from an hour of sitting on the ground, but for what seemed like an eternity the king shouted and screamed to a servant that decided to remain in bed. 3 short powerful tantrums shook the kingdom almost to the ground.  I wonder if that is why we feel the heart hurts, is it taking a stress nap but the restless king is trying to wake it?

It is incredible what pride is capable of. To appear strong I even do the hardest task, listen to myself. I replay in my head every question, every scenario, every advice. Keep busy, check. Be around friends, check. Let it all out….I will say this blog counts, so…. check. I would usually still be avoiding people at this point but I thought I would mix it up. Be involved, seem interested, and do not doze off. These are the new laws of the game. They work surprisingly well I have to say. Not sure why “surprisingly” as those are my go to remedies for other’s hearts.

I wonder what you are looking at.

 

 

 

ps. if you are reading this, I am sorry it means I wasn’t able to keep completely away, as you can tell by the tag it was my intent to have you read it but I didn’t want to burden you.

Quatro

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Today I want to talk to you about your blog

As I mentioned before, after winter session I wasn’t reading it promptly. I am sorry about that, it is an interesting and fun read.

It seem to light things I could have done better to swoon you. A thousand maybes run laps on my head. I know at the end of the day it is pointless to obsess over the past but I can’t really help it, you should understand.

An adventurer, a free spirit, that is you, and maybe when you met me that was me too, or at least you thought it was. If I was I can see I lost my way, ventured into the forest of monotony and never found my way out. complacency is a mighty foe, makes you think you are winning as you are on a one way trip to the mat; one, two…ten, knock out.  I have lost this match but my spirit is still embers, waiting for the gust of wind carrying your melody to blaze this forest asunder; like the phoenix, new, reinvigorated.

I am glad, as you keep our adventure under fond memories. I still worry though, as your words cherish the old but crave for the new; I stand here as the former wanting to be the latter. They say the phoenix is born anew but is it still the same old phoenix? Is knowledge, is strength enough to be new, to overcome this wall?

What I love most about your words is their qualities, they are powerful, they are sweet, they are vivid but not overwhelming. They represent a caring humble soul. They say self-centered but do not realize the modifiers next to them. “I” + “care” + “love” +”share” +”give” do not mean what you tried to covey. they do lack confidence, like elementary-schoolers say, takes one to know one. So trust me. I will hypocritically ask you to be more confident because you are a lot greater than you give yourself credit for, not without fault but pretty amazing nevertheless.

I can’t wait to read the next bit of you; fill my potential time bomb with more nails.

 

 

ps. if you are reading this, i am sorry it means i wasn’t able to keep completely away, as you can tell by the tag it was my intent to have you read it but i didn’t want to burden you.

Tres

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Today I would like to ask you about a couple of things.

So, are you done with modern family? I wish I was better at quoting things. I would love to laugh about the funny moments with you. How silly was Phil? Was Clare’s sarcasm gold? What did Clare’s dad have to learn to understand this time around? I miss our TV watching nights. Lately I have been thinking that maybe I should have pushed for other activities, step out of my comfort zone, show you a better time. Who knows?

I know you like the video about “the” getting its own letter. Do you think it is valid? Now I notice how many times I am using it (I just stopped to think of a better way to say that last sentence without using “the”). The video made me wonder about language and the way it evolves over time. if we adopt “Th” in the future we might one day be one of those old people who brag to their grandkids how things were different back in our days, about how hard we had it, how we had to use 3 letters to write “the”. I don’t know, my thought process is strange.

I don’t know why it took me this long to see the last two videos you posted on my wall. The community channel one about her fat cat in a wig. Lol it is so great. It is one of my biggest dilemmas, cross by myself like I would alone or wait for the other person who is not a skilled street crosser? The funny thing is that no matter how many times it happens my first instinct is to keep going, and I have to constantly mentally stop myself from leaving the others behind.  What a jerk, right? A bit of an embarrassing secret is that I kind of take pride on crossing the streets recklessly, like it is my skill that not everyone has.  I also caught up with the killers video. I guess by now you have watched it. It was quite killer…get it?  Sorry I couldn’t help myself. Something interesting I noticed about myself tonight is that I am a lot like Nat when speaking to my residents….most are not very amused by it though.

I guess I won’t drag this random banter much longer; I just really miss talking to you.

This has been in my head the whole day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzR2u8rVRtI

 

 

ps. if you are reading this, i am sorry it means i wasn’t able to keep completely away, as you can tell by the tag it was my intent to have you read it but i didn’t want to burden you.

 

Dos

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Today I want to tell you about your short story.

I love it; it is so vivid, it is so painful. I thought I could not love you anymore and then I read it. Your struggles, your valor, your strength; I knew you possessed them all along but I had no idea of just how much.  Admiration is but an understatement, I am a lion looking at the girl from Kansas. 

I don’t mean to sound insulting, as my life was pretty good, but I too know that lil’ person, it was much kinder to me I admit, but it still visited from time to time. Unlike you, I guess I just shoved it in the basement in a moment of anger, I can still hear it, especially this last couple days. I suppose your song distracted me from the underground cry of anger, of sadness. I know it wasn’t your job. I guess I just let it happen that way.

Very few times have I hurt so deeply without being hurt. It was as if I was a witness to the amazing tale. I hurt every moment almost as if mine; it is a weird feeling to empathize with the unknown, even if some parts were very familiar. I too want to hate her for all the pain she caused you, but I can’t, I could never hate you. I am very happy to know the girl at the other side of the bridge; she is one of the most amazing humans I have ever met, and my favorite person ever. I am very thankful for her, as she helped me out more than I could ever let her know :).

Today songs became spines, not piercing deadly, but like in a bed with not enough nails, slowly breaking the skin little by little. 

 

 

ps. if you are reading this, i am sorry it means i wasn’t able to keep completely away, as you can tell by the tag it was my intent to have you read it but i didn’t want to burden you.

Uno

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i love summer, and this was the best and my first real one. rotten, spoiled, yes i am. There are many thing i wanna say .

my comments about your story, masterfully vivid and touching.

my comments about your entries that were not read promptly i admit.

ask about your thoughts on “the”, modern fam. and the last community videos.

to reminds you of how beautiful you are, in all aspects and how lucky i have been.

I miss basking in your warmth that melted the ice castle i lived. lying in your soft fields that became my new home, my safe place. miss the summer melody and appeased my state of chaos.

Right about now, i wish i played better, this game of words. To deliver beautiful rhythms and clever prose. Instead this just a sad call for attention. Not sure what i was expecting, i have always known i this isn’t my game. i find it funny how this is the only game i like to play in this state, state of blindness and cold….

Today is the first day of winter, and only time will tell its length.

I hate winter

 

ps. if you are reading this, i am sorry it means i wasn’t able to keep completely away, as you can tell by the tag it was my intent to have you read it but i didn’t want to burden you.